Will I ever be able to watch a series finale of Doctor Who without just bawling my eyes out?

I guess not.

The crying keeps getting more.

This episode was bad. I haven’t cried this much while watching a TV show since Fred died. I love Martha. She is just a remarkable being and such a strong person. What she did was admirable and she was a legend. Everyone knew of Martha Jones.

It was so moving, when Martha told the story of the Doctor and I just couldn’t contain my tears anymore, when they all thought of him.

By the time the Master died I was gone (emotionally wise). It was just sooo heartbreaking to see the Doctor losing someone like him. In my Headcanon they were best friends back in their youth. I think they were roomies or had to work with each other and became friends there. So different, but actually working really well together. And then the Doctor lost him, not just his friend, but also the only other being of his species. He watched his friend die. Yes, he has done horrible things, but let’s face it, so has the Doctor, and they were the only two left. I am getting teary just thinking about it.

I actually managed to collect myself a bit and then the Martha left, opening the flood gates. That scene hit home very much, because I have experienced both sides of the situation and also the friends one. I have been the friend getting left behind, because a person was in love with me and didn’t want to be second best anymore. He wanted to be loved and not just liked. It hurt, because it meant losing a friend. I have also been the one to walk away. One of my prouder moments, because that’s incredible hard. That dude liked me, but not enough. I pined after him longer than I am proud of, but then I called it quits. Sadly, there is  another person, where I have yet to walk away, because that thing is really going nowhere, but I just can’t do it. Watching that scene, that encompassed so much of my experience all in one, just made me emotional as fuck.

And the final statement: Martha Jones, I love you!

This is the theme for a party, that’s coming up. I am still thinking about my costume. I want it to be an hones costume (meaning, someone I really admired as a kid), but still one that will be fun.

So far I have come up with this ideas:

Lara Croft - My best friend and I used to watch her father play Tomb Raider and we were really impressed by all the stuff she could do. Jumps, backflips, etc. She was awesome. I also love the first movie. Dressing up as Lara would be extremly fun. I could wear a holster and play with my old plastic toy guns. I could also wear a wig. 

Sailor Mercury - She was smart and shy and like little gadgets. I liked that part about her. She also had short hair and liked the color blue. Sailor Moon was the first anime I watched and I still do occasionally. I also had a little guide book, that explained how you can make one of those costumes. I always wanted to dress up as her. It would be so much fun to make that costume.

Sherlock Holmes - I love detective stories and since most of them are either about Sherlock Holmes or based on Sherlock Holmes he quickly became one of my most favourite characters. I would go with a rather classic approach on this costume and it would be awesome. I could have a pipe.

Hermione - I don’t think I have to explain that? Hermione is awesome. The school uniform is awesome.

Vegeta - My first anime crush and the main reason I watched DBZ. Also one of the best examples for my favorite chracter type “evil person working for the good side, but being not happy about it and all in all a rather shady guy”. I might lack a bit of muscle to do this, but I could be fun and making those clothes could be interesting. I also could style a wig.

Buffy - I fell in love with this show, when I was 15. Rather late, but I always was a bit of a late bloomer. I love the show and Buffy got me over my fear of the dark. She is a very badass chick and it would be fun to randomly “stake” people.

Honorable mentions (people I admired, but who would make very good costumes for me):

James Bond - I would love to dress up as James Bond. They were always so suave and awesome and cool. But I am afraid I don’t have the requiered built. My brother could pull of a nice James Bond, but I am way to narrow for that.

Marie Curie - I wanted to be like her. A female scientist. Of course I didn’t want to die way to early, but she was smart and won the Noble Prize. It would just be a bit of a boring costume.

Those are all I can come up with at the moment, but I think it’s a pretty acurate selection.

I dislike everything about the pre-christmas season. The forced Christmas cheer, the constant Christmas music and the annoying decoration.

But once the 23rd rolls around everything changes, becasue that’s when Christmas starts for me. On the evening of the 23rd I always visit my best friend or she visits me. We watch a Christmas movie, usually Muppets and give each other a small present. It’s a very lovely Christmas tradition and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

The 24th is reserved for family stuff. We decorate our Christmas tree in the morning and then eat a traditional lunch (sausages and potato salad). Usually my mom and I do most of the decorating. My dad just watches and makes smar-ass comments and my brother actively bugs us.

Afterwards we all rest for a bit till we drink coffee together. Well my parents drink coffee, I have tea and we all eat cake (usually my mom’s Schnappskuchen). Then we get ready for chruch.

I am not very religious, my parents are not even part of the chruch, but I love going to chruch on Christmas. It’s a very nice devider between the hectic day and the cheerfull night. I also meet a bunch of my friends there and can wish them Merry Christmas.

Usually only my mom and I go to chruch, my dad and brother stay at home and have a drink together. They also put the presents under the tree. So everything is ready when we get home.

After chruch we get our presents. We usually have a magnum bottle of champange and afterwards we eat Fondue.

It’s a very family oriented day for us and I love it. We don’t have much of an extended family and they don’t visit on Christmas (luckily, because they are very creepy). So it’s just us and we enjoy it very much.

My father had a very close friend who was also like an uncle to us kids, but he died 5 years ago.

They had a Christmas tradition. They would always meet during the afternoon of Christmas Eve with a couple of other guys and have a drink together, while the rest of their families went to church. They always had a bottle of expansive Whisky.

After he died, they didn’t know if they wanted to keep with that tradition, because it just wouldn’t be the same without him.

They then settled on a rather unsual compromise: Move the whole drinking thing to the graveyard. So every year before Christmas my dad and his friends would go to a high-end liquer store and buy some good Whisky.

By now they have moved this tradtion to the 4th Sunday in Advent, because some of the guys had to work on Christmas Eve.

And this is way my dad is getting drunk in the pouring rain on the local graveyard with a bottle of Dalmore Whisky.

I have a severe procrastination problem. This is getting out of hand. I feel like I have lost control over my live. I don’t get anything done, at all. I haven’t properly got something done for the last two years. I am getting by in college because I am smart, but I can’t keep this up for much longer.

I have gotten extreamly good at avoiding things, deadlines especially. I literally stop thinking about those. I can ban certain things from my mind.

And when I do get started on something, I get incredible overhelmed with all the stuff I didn’t do and still have to get done.

I really need to pull myself out of this, otherwise I will never graduate.

Lately I have been thinking again about my Patronus and what memory I would use to cast it. I think the shape of my Patronus would be pretty clear. It would be a Squirrel. The memory bit is a harder to figure out.

I don’t think I actually have a “happies memory”. It’s more a combination of memories, that all have the same feel to it. I love these rare moments after a good party, when only a few people are left and everything is said and done and you just sit around and be content. In these moments life is perfect. You are with people you love, the alcohol took care of your everyday problems and it’s way to late to worry about anything.

Like around easter this year. We were sitting around a camp fire, smoking a cigar. It wasn’t all that special. Just friends hanging out. I was cuddeling with my best friend. My brother was telling dirty jokes. It was a good day.

Or two years ago after a dance. We went to a friends house to have a few more drinks. My best friend and I way to drunk to find our way home so we just stayed there.

Or a couple of weeks ago with people I don’t even know that well, but when it comes to that magical moment during the night you don’t have to know each other, because everything is so honest. Everyone is exactly how they are. There is no need to play a role or act like someone else. No one even cares.

I love these moments and I connect a very special feeling with them. I think I would channel exactly that to conjure a Patronus.

Do people get stoned around here for using or liking Windows?

I have two computers one is running Win7. The other Ubuntu and XP.

I like Win7 and XP. They are usefull and most of all compatible systems.

I like Linux based systems, because they are reliable and good for programming shit.

I don’t like MacOS because they are very restrictive. That actually goes for almost all Apple products. They are pretty to look at, but try to connect it to something not Apple and the problems start.

When I was young and impressionable I got an iPod. I regret that to this day, because now half my music is in a stupid format that only works with apple stuff. Of course I could change that, but only with a lot of work and losing a bunch of information.

And another example: We were working on a project, which requiered us to send a text back and forth between computers. We got it done more or less, but the formating went to hell.

I really can’t see the advantages of Apple products. They look pretty and the user interface looks pretty, but other then that I don’t see the point of buying that stuff.

Have I mentioned that I love handguns?

Only about a thousand times?

Then let me tell you again: I love guns!

Mostly handguns. I am incredible fascinated by the precision and the simplicity of the mechanics. I love shooting a gun. Again the precision is great and I love how calm I get before pulling the trigger.

My whole body and mind is focused on one target. The gun feels like an extension of my body. My breathing is very even. I slowly raise the gun. It is a very controlled movement, nothing fast or jerky. I breath in and when I breath out I lower the gun into the target.

I pull the trigger.

Then I get read for the next shot.

I only shoot at targets though. I am not one for hunting. There is just too much moving involved for my taste.

I mentioned, that my ex-boyfriend and I were part of the same friends group. I have actually been part of this group for a bit longer then him. Now I broke up with him. I expected things to be a bit awkward around those people.

But this?

I didn’t sign up for this shit.

The ex-boyfriend is ignoring me. He hasn’t even said Hello since the break-up (it’s been a month). I don’t want him to be best friends with me all of the sudden, but a polite hello would be nice. But this is not the real problem, just a tad bit disapointing.

The problem lies with the others. Apperantly I am not their friend anymore. They still talk to me, but like you would talk to a random person in class. Distanted, polite and completely impersonal. They talked about the last times they all hung out with each other and shared their inside jokes. I just sat there and wondered about the friendship I used to have with these people. Couldn’t have counted for much.

I wasn’t really sad, just so very disappointed.

Including this I had 4 relationships (5 if you count a friends with benefits situation) and this is the only one, that ended like this. I hate it when in common friends choose a side, that’s just unfair. I am really glad, that this has never happend to me before.

Why can’t they behave like sensible adults? I would have understood this behavior if it was a messy break-up, but it wasn’t. We have barely seen each other or talked in the weeks before the break-up and we haven’t even been dating that long or said that stupid L-word.

Long story short: I have been friends with those people the longest time and I will quit the sports team we all belong to.

Fuck you guys!

They always leave me in a very sorry state of mind. I suddenly hate my life and my choices and want to throw my whole life plan out of the window. They make me feel like I am never going to be happy with my career choice.

I desperately want to be a pilot. The rational part of my brain says, that I love engineering and that I would never be happy as a commercial pilot. I am also way to bound to my home to leave for extend periods of time. But those shows make me want to claw the rational part out of my brain and board the next plane.

I got a really bad case of this when watching JAG, but I was still in School back then, so I could plan a carrer as a pilot and not hurt my actual career or life. I only spend a couple of bucks on a book about how to become a US Navy Jet Pilot.

I started watching Army Wives, but I had to stop after about 3 episodes, because I couldn’t deal with all the military and planes. Then I managed to get off of it pretty soon and without much damage.

Pan Am already left a bigger damage. I watched all episodes in two days. One already twice. And that to a major freak-out on my way to work. I should be working on a project, but I can’t help but look up different career choices for pilots.

I really need to stop doing this. I need to stop hiding in a fictional world. I need to get a grip and accept my life choices, because they are actually good choices, that I can be proud of and that also reflect all my interests.